*bored and sick.. to death.*

Yeah.. i'm suffering from conjunctivitis. I'm locked up here.. watching TV and browsing the net. Can't blog properly because I'm in pain. I should see a doctor soon but I'm fuckin' lazy as usual. Here's what I'm thinking right now : HEROES sucks! I have 3 DVD players but none of them can play DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. Freakin' pirated discs!!

......

And yeah... you should check out my room! It looks like a fuckin' warehouse. Argh. I want to go back to work but I guess I won't be able to report till next week. Fuck.

*on letting go..*

There are number of songs that are just too painful to hear.. just like familiar roads on my way home that hold great memories and pieces of conversation that rekindle the hurt, bitterness,sadness... and anguish that I've been feeling for a period of time. Last year, my heart was breaking whenever I passed by Quirino Avenue along the Depot Store where you will usually catch a heavy traffic jam going to my place. On this road.. sometime last year... the greatest confession of a guy tortured my soul. I dated this guy for about 3 months and I was hell sad when things didn't work out between the two of us. I can never forget that road.. and that guy.

Early this year.. same thing happened. I dreaded taking the route from Libis to Makati. I dated a guy who used to pick me up from work and drive me home after we had breakfast. Things changed and we stopped dating.

Now, don't get me wrong. They are good, charming, witty and good looking guys who have a superb sense of humor. At some point, I wanted to own them.. to be with them.. to give them the chance to love me and at some point, I was convinced that I was ready. But then the greatest realization came over me one day as I was taking the long walk home.. alone. I can never complete a person if I'm broken into thousand pieces. I cannot commit into taking part into someone else's life if I can't even justify my own decisions. I guess, unconsciously, these are my motives why I turned my back to these guys. I was confused.. taken by the current of their indecisiveness.. thrown in a pitch black of nothingness as I wait for the perfect sign to know if they are the right person for me. I was threading the path of WHAT IFs, when I myself can't even figure out the right decisions on my own. (taena.. ang labo noh? pero yun.. yun)

In life.. there are just things that you do and you don't do. Our willingness to do the right things are always driven by our emotions.. by our eagerness to find happiness.. by our desperate acts to belong. And somehow when we are approached by the fruits of certain circumstances that drove us to perform these actions.. we call it a DECISION that we've made. (taena.. mas malabo sya ngayon di ba?? eh baket ko ba kasi to ini explain sa english?? pede naman sa tagalog.. pero sympre.. kunwari deep akong tao.. kaya dapat may ganito.)

So here goes nothing.. I think life is an open road. We meet people and we let go of them. At most, we continue our journey while we bruised ourselves on the way..sometimes it takes time to stand up and sometimes we just give up when the wind knocked us down or when a detour is blocking our way. We usually stop walking..frightened of the dangers that might come ahead when we know that we're supposed to go on.. because somewhere in that open road.. someone is patiently waiting for us to help us take the long way path of uncertainty... destination.. unknown.

* the busy weekend *

I'm not gonna blog much today because I'm really tired. I received a text message in the wee hours of this morning from Alex asking me to call him. I was having my lunch break then.. at 4:00 am (that's right,friends!) Well anyways, I called him... a bit anxious because he usually calls me when he wants to talk to me. He answered... and I was like.. "'Zup, babe?", his voice seemed excited, "Someone wants to talk to you," and in a heartbeat I was hearing a familiar voice.. At first, I found it hard to believe. This can't be her.. then I finally blurted out with all the strength left in me.. "Ooooooh myyyyyy GoooooooD!!! Mama??" Yup. Its her. Alex's long lost mum. I wanted to jump in my seat then and there. I am so happy for Alex. He haven't seen her mum for the last 14 years. Straight. She sounded really happy to talk to me and i think I sounded cheesy. She told me that she's very excited to see me. I have been really looking forward to see her too.. we used to talk non stop on the phone for the last 7 years.

Alex went here to give me the "pasalubong" from her mum. As always.. she has excellent taste. So now.. we have an instant plan on the weekend. Supposedly, Alex and I planned to stay in my room and watch all the movies that we missed during the time when we're not seeing each other.. but then because of his mum's arrival.. we will be spending the whole sunday at Tita Bebet's to celebrate Tatay's birthday and her mum's coming back party. I can't wait. :) I've always loved his folks on his mum's side. We do a lot of crazy stuff together.. and talk about funny things. i told Alex that I'm having a busy week but he begged me to come. He said that this is important to him.. seeing the most special woman in his life talking to his mum. I waited for this, he said as he run his fingers through my hair. My heart melted and I said YES. Now don't get me wrong.. I really have a plan to go there.. I'm just playing hard to get. Its fun to see my boyfriend begs. He has this way of convincing me by giving me the puppy look and the great kiss...and...and....

We're just so happy... can't wait to see her Sunday!

*the sad truth behind the mind of a self confessed insomniac*

The fuckin DSL didn't work the whole morning. From the point of view of a blog addict.. this means only one thing : WAR. Yeah, I called the DSL provider every 5 minutes and expressed my disappointments in different styles. First,I said that I'm trying to beat a deadline, second I grunted at the CSR while explaining that I need to submit an email that my boss needs in the next few minutes... my third reason I think was crystal fuckin' clear when I sarcastically blurted out that their service sucks big time then I threatened them that I'm pulling my account tomorrow.. and lastly... gosh.. you really don't want to know. The CSR said that they are going to send a technician to check on my pc but I replied with.. "yeah.. you don't want to do that because my 5 foot 10 dane has a bad temper when confronted by strangers.." there was an eerie awkward moment of silence, then the CSR finally assured me that they are putting me on the ASAP list. After a couple of minutes... I was able to connect. Eh tangina.. tatakutin lang pala. Buti na lang din hindi pumunta kasi wala naman talaga akong great dane.. labrador lang.. na tumatakbo at nagtatago sa ilalim ng lamesa kapag nakakakita ng daga.

here's the sad truth.. I am an insomniac. How I get this disorder.. I really don't know. There are times when I can feel the fatigue but I can't really get myself to sleep. Maybe because my mind speeds up when I feel peace. And the only remedy is blogging. Pouring out all the nonsense thoughts just to get a good night sleep. Fuck.. is this really insomnia? Or I'm just being weird?

A lot of things took place today in my so called pathetic.. boring.. monotonous.. slow paced life. First, I was caught speaking in Filipino in the training room hallway. The scenario kept on playing in my head and I keep on drafting solid excuses in my mind just in case the trainer send an email to Eunice by tomorrow. The embarrassing part was that I was caught with one of my CSRs.. plus the trainer was so kind on delivering the ENGLISH CAMPAIGN mission vision that made me want to cry and sing the APAC song (if there is any). She said that as a team lead I should adhere to the english only policy because I am one of the role models of the company. Yeah.. I know for a fact that she is telling the truth.. but I also think that as Filipino Citizens we should practice our patriotism by speaking in straight filipino during the LINGGO NG WIKA regardless if we are working in an american call center.. after all, we are still in Cubao, Philippines as we speak while the other employees are desperately trying to convince their callers that they are located in New Jersey, California, Wisconsin.. wherever. Yeah.. never mind me.. I'm blabbing. Here's to English Campaign.. may we all die of nosebleed as we comply with the policy 8 hours a day within the english premises. The GODS will give us a sympathetic pat on our back. And Satan will kick us out of hell. This is bitterness at its finest, friends.

Second, I sat the whole day staring at my monitor. Dumbfounded by the tons of emails that I'm getting. This is how a team lead's life should be. Bored to death with a shitload of paperworks.

Then of course.. there's the usual horseplaying and chat messages that made me roll on the floor while laughing. Thanks to my eccentric group of friends. Their ridiculous thoughts that were cleverly delivered really makes a boring day worthy. Plus playing Aerosmith and MCS in the background keeps me calm. Just like the old days when I was attached to someone and sending corny messages. Hey! We all go through that pace once in our lives. Yeah.. its ugly but its the truth. It was worth my while.

And.. oh yeah.. the cigarette and the coffee breaks. My favorite part of the day.. right, Abby? Hehe. As horizon agents we are always dying to get our asses off the call floor and smoke our hearts out. Believe me.. its more glorious when you become a TL.

How em I supposed to live my life on the next half of the year? Who the hell knows? Who the hell cares?? Line them up.. coffee cups and million packs of Marlboros.. then maybe I can figure it out. One day at a time.

*Quotable quotes*

"Love can mend your life or love can break your heart."
-The Police, Message in a Bottle

"Every new beginning comes from some other's beggining's end.."
-Closing Time, Semisonic

*the first half*

This blog entry is for my dearest friend, Daniel, who thinks that my blogspot is really interesting because he can't understand a word on it and for my friend Paolo who enjoys criticizing my works on his free time..So since you guys are there during my darkest times..here goes my unbearably nonsense piece.

Geez, i really dunno where to start. Its weird to write a review of the things that happened on the first half of the year. Ok. So my move to Libis was the first mark of the year. It was freakin lonely. I was getting over someone who shared a part of my life during the Christmas season. The move to Libis was not really a solid plan.. I said it a couple of times that I didn't move there for the wrong reasons.. but partly.. I guess I did. I was scared to stand on my own without my friends whom I've grown with for the last 3 years. I was hesitant to make friends, but as time passed by I realized that I was getting a head start and I'm automatically getting rid of the pain. Plus.. I was able to improve my knowledge with directions. (going to Libis back and forth was an adventure thats really impossible to miss, ladies and gentlemen!)

Come March, I was able to meet someone new. Though, things didn't work out the way that we planned it.. I still think that it was one hell of a ride. My summer was full of drama and big realizations that made me stronger now. I was impulsive as usual.. and confused.. and lonely... and weak. My emotions got the better of me.. I can't promise anything but I just know that when the same shit happen again... I know that I know better.

Work is work as usual. There are people who adore me but I'd still go with hate. I think a large number of reps really hate me. This is how I'm wired : LOVE ME, HATE ME.. I'm just being me. I was complained.. praised.. loved..liked..admired..and envied. These things never affect me. I still suck at deliverables though my reasoning skills did improve big time! :) (ask eunice!)

Mostly. I have learned to deal with pain. I realized that without it.. a person wouldn't feel real. I cried. I laughed. I grunted at life but I know for sure.. it will go on regardless of what I really feel towards it. I have learned to draw limitations and expectations from it. I have learned to fence unnecessary emotions without feeling pain. I have learned to accept my capabilities as a person without feeling less. I found a way to deal with my insecurities and my shortcomings. I have learned to let go of painful memories to make space for the happy ones. I realized that there is no logic behind love. Its just plain love as it is.

i bruised my knees. My wings were broken but were healed by time. I'm not saying that I'm the expert now.. hell no. The only difference is.. I just fuckin' know better this time.

Do your worst.

*harry potter mania*

Can't wait for my copy!I wasn't able to get a reservation at FULLY BOOKED but I'm sure I'll get one this week. Ang sabi ni Nix.. mauubusan daw ako.. pero ganyan din ang sabi ng mga kaibigan ko sa kin nung lumabas ang HALF BLOOD PRINCE.

Magkukulong lang ako buong weekend. Pinahiram ko na ang PS2 ko kay Drama King kaya hindi kami magkikita ngayong linggo na to.

Hindi rin ako sasama sa despedida party ni Mikee. Sorry, man. I'll see you there na lang tsong!

At oo.. oo nga pala.. para dun sa chick na nagde dicate kay Drama King ng HOW CAN I TELL HER..na song... hehehhehehe. Alam ko pa ang lahat sa simula pa lang.. at ok lang sa ken yun. Hindi ako galit. Nakasama ko ng 7 taon si Drama King para hindi ko makabisado ang ugali nyan. Huwag kang mag alala... papaluin ko para sa yo! HAAHHAHAHA.. Magiging masaya ka rin.

At para sa mga kaibigan ko na walang magawa kundi magkwento ng Harry Potter.. eto ang dahilan kung bakit nagkulong lang ako ng buong linggo sa kwarto ko kasama si Drama King... ang dadaldal nyo!

At para sa bago kong stalker.. huuuy!!! magpatulog ka naman. Hindi ako yung nakita mong nagbabasa ng DADDY LONG LEGS!! Wrong send ka. oi!

At para kay McWakey... labo mo pa rin! Basta friends na tayo, man!

**Teka lang.. bakit naging message board to???