Dear Mr. BIG

K: When are you coming over for your training?
Mr. Big: They re-scheduled it some time next week. I think you were on leave the last time I went there.

And here I go again.. this left me wondering half of my day if you came looking for me the last time you went here. I'd like to think that you're just being observant not seeing me popping out in places. But there was that effort.

Sometimes, I feel like my brain is going to burst out of my head as I try to find the answers if I'm really over you.

The last time I saw you just weeks ago, I knew it was there. It was just a hunch but right at that very moment when I look back at it.. I know it was there. It was very quick but I saw it and for some weird reason, there was that distinctive feeling like it was the first time.

It happened almost two years ago but still your presence throws me off balance every fucken' time. And that's something that I can't understand. So unfamiliar.. so unlikely of me. No matter how hard I try, I always feel like something unexplainable pulls me back to you and I don't like that feeling. I don't like it at all.

I know you're happy, that's what the pictures are saying. But then I don't know why I find it so hard to believe. At the back of my head, there's always that notion that everything you have now is just a make believe, some wall that you built all around you to fence you out of your comfort zone. Or maybe, we are just both in the same situation... maybe that's the reason why I'm not hurt because I understand what it feels like being you... because amidst of all these twisted scenarios, I am what you are.

I'd like to believe that I've moved on. That way, its easier. For both of us. I hope that I never go down that road again because it really feels suicidal. I did lose you once, I don't think I can go with the second take. I never believed in second chances but as human, I'm bound to change the things that I once believed in. I love to be with you, to feel the same things that I have felt the first time but something between us felt so wrong the last time, it was very real and it was very devastating. Its inevitable I guess.. to do the right things sometimes and not to get hurt.

So then, I guess its true.. that there will always be that someone who's bound to break your standards, who will break your heart no matter how hard you shield it from unwanted emotions. This is expected I guess.. from someone who got away.

I was distraught when you left me for her. It took me half a year to ease the pain.. this is very emo I know.. but I can't find any means of disposing these emotions. You pierced something so deep in my heart and I realized that it was there all along and that's something that kept me alive the whole time, if I pull it out, I'll die.

I hope that the time will come for me to finally look you straight in the eyes and know for sure that there's nothing there anymore. I hope that there will come a time when I can finally ask the how are you question without the urge of asking you again if you have been thinking of me the whole time that we were apart.

You were never my type. I never like you in the first place... I hate talking to you but there are just things that defies logic when two souls understand each other even if our hearts can't.

I wish that this is the last time that I'll blog about you. I hope this is the last time that I'll feel this way.

And yes, I have moved on... because that's the only decent thing that I can say.

a piece of last year

This happened some time last year. This is from my other blog. It made me smile today..

old fragments of a not so old-october-affair

Sep 26, '07 9:49 PM for everyone

I know for a fact that its not the coldness that provoked me that October night to share your warmth. Mainly because I felt really alone and.. well maybe.. a bit lost. Disconnected from everything. Lord knows that I tried my bestest to dodge you but then again.. you caught me on my weakest moment. The next morning after we kissed, a friend of us noticed the glow in our eyes. To tell you the truth, I was a bit anxious that our first kiss happened in the wee hours of the morning of Friday the 13th. But then again.. happiness can pretty much lead you to distraction. At that point of time.. I just felt so alive. Corny.. yeah. But honest.

So we talked. There was a plan that night that we will hang out with friends. You said that you want to spend our alone time together but I pretended that I didn't hear that. Yeah.. although I can't really wait to be alone with you.. because you're so damn hot.. there was this thought at the back of my mind that I shouldn't hang out with you yet. Maybe I was afraid that I might do something stupid and you'll lose interest of me. You know.. the USUAL GIRL STUFF.

I hope you still remember those nights when we secretly hold hands underneath the table. Yeah.. we're pretty desperate to keep it discreet, huh? But then again.. nothing lasts forever. At some point.. we both know that our friends noticed us...the extra sweetness.. the extra togetherness... all the super extras between the two of us.

I came across the old text message. It says : I want to keep it and take care of it as long as I can. I don't want this to end yet. You are the only good thing that's happening to me, pretty.

And for what its worth... I didn't let go. Until I had to. Its something that we both agreed to do.

Remember the time when I was saying goodbye.. you smiled at me and whispered... I'll see you soon. There was an invisible pinch in my chest.. seeing you go while you said that. Like you, I never wanted it to end but then again I know its not the right time to stand up for it. We both know that we have other things to do. Other goals to accomplish...way bigger than the two of us. I said it a lot of times.. that love is just a state of mind. Yeah.. love didn't happen between the two of us. There was passion and understanding and longingness. Way... way.. cooler than love. And that.. hey you.. that is how we ended our time together. It was really worth my while.

Happy birthday. Your memories cheer me up.. during my darkest times.

-excerpt from the Diary of The Drama Queen

Drama..presents...

*This is a repost from my other blog. Yeah.. my other blog is pretty melodramatic. I have no compelling feeling.. nothing at all.. to put you all into that. This was written sometime March this year.. reading it makes me feel proud of myself. And a bit of an idiot and self centered too.

Read on. Its pretty boring.. but I guess you get the picture.

so.. are you worth it?

Why do people always want to be a part of something forbidden? Is it a choice? Is it the thrill of the chase? The euphoric feeling that you touched something untouchable. That you took part on why someone's life is miserable. You are a part of the mess. The kind of mess that feels good. The one that uplifts your ego, you feel so damn happy that someone chose you over someone. You tell your friends about it and they were all staring at you in awe. Hey, I won. I'm an exquisite human being, you tell yourself every 2 seconds while you take that long walk home.

so after winning whats the next fucking thing to do? the thrill is not there anymore. The chase was over. Where do human beings go from here? I know some people who walked away from it.. i know others who stayed for the most stupid reasons. Is it an evil side of what we call human nature? i see it happening even to the clergy and the reserved. Do we always have to act on it? Or are we just some part of the fucked up cycle where God plays absolute and we are his pathetic little guinea pigs? At the end of the day, whats in there? Do we feel fullfilled? Or we wake up and say to ourselves..'hey, things just happened.. "

so are you worth it? Coz I'm betraying someone else's trust right now. My close friend. The friend that was always there when I had no one. She cries most of the time because of you and I sat there listening and comforting her.. while I linger on the thought that we might be together soon. So.. did you tell her yet? The girl you said was great.. the one that you've been with for a couple of years? Do you think I'm worth it.. when you claimed that everything's perfect for the two of you.

Who's going to walk away first? Is it you or me? Because I don't know how. i know I'm better off without you.. and I have a feeling that we're thinking of the same thing. Its such a dreadful feeling to decide because in the scenario that we're in.. its a choice between you, my friend and myself. i know I can cure myself when I get hurt.. I can always move on. I think you're great.. but I love her. And you know I can offer so much more..its just that you caught me in a really bad time. I'm sorry. I really am. i can't stay on this mess any longer. Its just not worth it. We're not worth it.

Posted by -:- Ice Queen -:- at 1:46:00 PM 0 comments

B moments

I'm having a pretty tough week. Believe me.. beats me if I have the energy to blog about that. Honestly? I have a handful of reasons to be pissed for the entire week but I just don't want to rant about it because I might spend the whole day counting all the awful things why we should hate the world. I'm not gonna put you through all of that shit.

This blog entry is for my dearest friend Bri. I have a lot of folks to hang out with but still I have a number of friends (if you know what I mean). I always ask myself why I have a lot of friends-friends but still at the end of the day, I always end up confiding to a few of them. I guess by now you have a pretty good idea why I'm blogging for Bri. Yeah, he is one of those smart people that can stimulate your mind when you're in the rocks. He made my day by going online just in time when I'm about to explode because I'm surrounded by, I dunno, a lot of crap?? He's in the States now but he will be back some time October.. by that time we will probably spend a lot of time catching up where we left things. With him, you can just talk about anything else and you won't feel judged. Thats the good thing about Bri. He doesn't judge people and I just love spending time with him. When we're together, we're carefree.. we don't really think of what other people think about our dysfunctional relationship. There was a rumor that I was going out with him. I guess in a way.. I did. But thats another story. We survived that part. There are just things that you can talk about him.. things that you don't have the courage to share with someone else. Just with Bri.

The weird thing about Bri is that he is kinda afraid to fail. He is a very competitive guy by nature but then sometimes you find yourself stuck in a conversation while trying to analyze why he's so afraid to take risks. That's weird because he's pretty good at playing poker. Just weird.

Gosh.. I miss having sex (sinangag express) with him. I swear to God, every time I passed by the place.. at the back of my mind.. I always wish that I'm eating with him.. laughing our hearts out as we share a hearty meal. F*ck..I really miss Bri.

*on letting go..*

There are number of songs that are just too painful to hear.. just like familiar roads on my way home that hold great memories and pieces of conversation that rekindle the hurt, bitterness,sadness... and anguish that I've been feeling for a period of time. Last year, my heart was breaking whenever I passed by Quirino Avenue along the Depot Store where you will usually catch a heavy traffic jam going to my place. On this road.. sometime last year... the greatest confession of a guy tortured my soul. I dated this guy for about 3 months and I was hell sad when things didn't work out between the two of us. I can never forget that road.. and that guy.

Early this year.. same thing happened. I dreaded taking the route from Libis to Makati. I dated a guy who used to pick me up from work and drive me home after we had breakfast. Things changed and we stopped dating.

Now, don't get me wrong. They are good, charming, witty and good looking guys who have a superb sense of humor. At some point, I wanted to own them.. to be with them.. to give them the chance to love me and at some point, I was convinced that I was ready. But then the greatest realization came over me one day as I was taking the long walk home.. alone. I can never complete a person if I'm broken into thousand pieces. I cannot commit into taking part into someone else's life if I can't even justify my own decisions. I guess, unconsciously, these are my motives why I turned my back to these guys. I was confused.. taken by the current of their indecisiveness.. thrown in a pitch black of nothingness as I wait for the perfect sign to know if they are the right person for me. I was threading the path of WHAT IFs, when I myself can't even figure out the right decisions on my own. (taena.. ang labo noh? pero yun.. yun)

In life.. there are just things that you do and you don't do. Our willingness to do the right things are always driven by our emotions.. by our eagerness to find happiness.. by our desperate acts to belong. And somehow when we are approached by the fruits of certain circumstances that drove us to perform these actions.. we call it a DECISION that we've made. (taena.. mas malabo sya ngayon di ba?? eh baket ko ba kasi to ini explain sa english?? pede naman sa tagalog.. pero sympre.. kunwari deep akong tao.. kaya dapat may ganito.)

So here goes nothing.. I think life is an open road. We meet people and we let go of them. At most, we continue our journey while we bruised ourselves on the way..sometimes it takes time to stand up and sometimes we just give up when the wind knocked us down or when a detour is blocking our way. We usually stop walking..frightened of the dangers that might come ahead when we know that we're supposed to go on.. because somewhere in that open road.. someone is patiently waiting for us to help us take the long way path of uncertainty... destination.. unknown.

Para sa paborito kong Uncle.

Happy birthday Tito Odeng! I will always remember how you took good care of me. You are the father that I never had. I never had the chance to say goodbye but Lord knows how much I love you. Someday we will share that bench to talk about our fondest memories. Someday...