The irony of E61

I received a couple of text messages Saturday night. Messages from friends who were all having a good time while I'm stuck attending some family reunion that happens almost every month.

I can't remember the time. What's been running at the back of my head is the desperate feeling of retiring to bed. I really want to go home. But then again, its this simple obligation and commitment that makes everything worth your while.. so they say.. blah blah.. blah.Whatever that means.

I dragged my lazy butt to the girl's washroom while everyone is waiting for me outside the hotel. Best moment of my life. I sighed and whispered to myself.

I was slowly taking my time walking in the hallway. And then I saw him. He was wearing a dark blue shirt and faded denim. I stopped for a while to look at him and he smiled.

From that moment, I felt that the world stopped. He said HI. I didn''t move. Dumbstruck. Disoriented. And I really wished that I look really good in that black dress.

"Hi," I said and smiled back. And for some weird reason as if I was possessed by some idiopathic entity, I muttered in a barely audible voice, "Hi, Piolo. I love you."

He chuckled as if its a normal thing to hear. I froze. And a bunch of screaming staff enveloped him.

I stood there while they take pictures of him.

Until finally, the soft spoken gentle mannered PA asked me.. "Miss, magpapa picture ka rin?"

I looked at my cellphone and I felt that the wrold starts revolving crazily around me. How in Julie Andrew's name did I buy a phone with no camera?????? What was I thinking??

I looked at his kind face and smiled. "No. My phone picture resistant." I felt like crying.

And then after the pictorial.. he walked at our side and asked. "What's wrong?"

"Poor girl, her phone doesn't have camera.."

GOD. KILL ME NOW...

He looked at me again and smiled. And it all happened in a span of a moment... his cheeks touching mine.

"Nice dress," he whispered, "you take care.'

And they both walked away... leaving me in between ecstasy and madness.

GOD. I CAN DIE NOW.....

the interview

Is it true that you are leaving your previous post?

I have plans at the moment but they are somehow blurry. I'm job hunting, honestly, but the truth is I'm still undecided if I'm going to leave this call center for another one. The solid plan is to take the FSO next year because I feel that I'm really not supposed to be working in a call center. Yeah, people can tell that I have great leadership skills and the pay is somewhat great compared to other day jobs but the thing is.. my passion is with diplomacy and thats something that I should have pursued in the first place but instead I'm stuck here in the call center industry with lots of good looking friends and highly expensive gadgets that I can buy on my whim..but if you ask me if I'm satisfied? Hell no.

Your thoughts in passing the examination?

Geez, really.. I don't know if I can. But its not the freaking bar exam where in you study for the next eight years and all that jazz. I hope I can nail it, really but if not.. there's another year to take it anyway.

Did you get upset that you didn't get the OM post?

Yes and no. I was upset because a lot of people in the panel expected a lot from me and they were very dissapointed when I didn't land the job. But hell! I was the acting OM for almost a year and my rival is a training manager for god knows how long. Judging from the maturity level.. god, she's freakin 35 years old and I'm on my late twenties. Ponder that.

But will you apply again for the same post some time this year?

Yeah. There's no harm in trying. I really think that I'm competetive.

How's the new 29 inch flat screen TV?

AwESoMe!!!!!!! I called in sick the other day to play PS2 the whole day! I didn't even notice that my shift ended!

Is it true that you were dating while with someone?

NO. Hell no. I am just born well mixed thats all. People always think that I'm associated with the next hot guy in the corner but honestly.. they are just really fond of a hot geek like me. Hahahahaha. No kidding.

Your reaction when people say that you are mistreating your reps?

I have never in my entire life mistreated a person. Sure, I'm a bully at times but it comes with boundaries. I don't go overboard with people that I think are very sensitive. I guess I'm just really a straight forward person with no bull.. and a cutthroat at all times.. and people always misunderstood me.

Your plans on settling down?

Yeah.. the hot fiance and I have plans but not in the next 2 years. The plan is to get married in the US and start a family there. I'm not sure if I'll ever get a grand wedding ceremony. The idea gives me goosebumps from time to time.

*an excerpt from the interview that I gave in the local newspaper. Guess what that is...

absorbing all the drama.

I was watching WILD THINGS last Sunday night. Yep, the Denise Richard - Neve Campbell - Matt Dillon thing. I was staring at the screen for the longest period of time and I bet my mum's ass, you'll laugh out loud and prolly tease me with.. "Huuuuuuuy.. ang manyak mo naman! Titig na titig ka ah!" But in the middle of the dirty steamy hot scene, I felt a lump in my throat and started crying. No reason. I just cried. I realized I was staring at the monitor for the longest time but my mind is really somewhere else.

I'm sure.. at any given time.. I was not the only one feeling that way. I don't know.. Nostalgic, maybe?

Here's the thing with me I remember every happy moments in my life vividly. With someone. With some friends in the past and then I'll start feeling sad. Yeah, you can call that nostalgia. But don't make me wrong, I'm not hung up with these memories or with the someone else's.. because looking back, I can never really trade my place in my life right now. But there are times when you just want to go back there and stay in the moment for a while. I hope I'm not being weird.. but that's just me.

It was a particular moment in my life that flooded me last Sunday night. I was young, carefree and streaming with great dreams. Its the time of someone's life where you feel that you can be who you want to be. A rockstar. A model. A flight attendant. A photographer. A broadway actress. A famous writer. Its the time of someone's life where you feel that the world is yours for the taking and that everything is easy and simple. You are young. You hear that all the time. You have so many things ahead of you...

I was in love. He asked me to get married and live somewhere out of reach. I was 22 years old. He was 27. He gave me a choice.. and very little time. I was kissing him in the rain and people were all around us.. that night but I never really cared. It was drizzling.. my world stopped.

I said NO that night. Because its unfair for everyone involved. Most of all, its unfair for me. I am just starting to see the world, he had seen almost everything. I need a chance to grow up emotionally.. alone. As much as I want to say YES because I can't really imagine myself letting him go.. I stayed for the rightest reasons. Its not worth taking that shot because I know that If I did, I will end up losing every person who loves me yet I get to keep him.

You get to keep the person you love but lose all the others who love you and see you differently. Thats just not a way to love.. or to live. Thats not love.. Its something else.

He got married after a year. I was broken hearted. Just broken hearted. Not shattered. Because sometimes you need to sacrifice your heart in order to understand life's reasons. You have to let go to know the importance of healing. You need to let down your guard to understand self worth. Sometimes.. you have to do it.

I remembered that and I cried. Because I remembered at that very moment before I entered the door.. I said goodbye and I love you..

And I have never felt so alive in my life...

because right at that very moment.. I was in two places at once.

Leaving and loving him.. all at the same time.

"Values daw.." Values, my ass.. POTASHET!

"Based on the initial verification conducted by *********, you allegedly committed the offense of Distribution/Dissemination of pornographic Material via Manila **** email. Pertinent specifically on the incident of sending an email on April 5, 2008, with the subject heading "who has the nicest cars?" with attachment of photos of foreign celebrities showing their private parts."

This really made my day last Tuesday, I was so pissed I swear I could have lost self control as I speak to the HR representative. Because to be perfectly honest, this is so fucking dumb. I said I forwarded the email to seven of my closest friends at work and I really think that the email was so funny.. eh putah sino ba namang tanga ang magfo forward ng email sa kaibigan nya kung sakaling nakakasaket ng damdamin ang sinasaad ng email di ba? Tanga-ers lang. Eh kaso, va-jay-jay ang pinag uusapan dito.. nila Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Beyonce Knowles, Paris Hilton at kung sino sino pa.

Eh sa internet nga nagkalat ang mga pictures ng pekpek nila! Sa news din.. pagkatapos sasabihin nila WE violated the company's values? Ang arte naman.. eh baket kaya hindi na lang nila ituon ang pansin sa mga bagay na mas kailangan nilang tutukan katulad ng payroll inquiries ng mga empleyado? Hindi nyo mako control ang mga taong bastos.. Hindi magiging maayos ang kumpanya nyo kapag nabigyan nyo ng sanctions yung mga nag forward ng mails..

May virus ba yung na forward na mail? Magalit kayo kung may virus.

Pero sa isang banda may mali rin naman kami. Kasi nga kung magfo forward kami ng email eh dapat yung talagang nakahubad na para hindi kayo nabitin...saka sa totoo lang nakakahiya nga naman yun sa mga onaks na kasama namin sa trabaho dahil baka pag isipan namin sila na hindi sila nagpa-panty occasionally. Wui.. hindi naman kami judgemental.. hindi naman kasi namin naisip na may babae pala talagang hindi nagpa panty kasi lumaki kaming may pambili ng panty at talagang nagsusuot kami ng ganun. Uso yun dito sa Pinas eh. Kumbaga.. IN ka kapag may panty ka. Ganito talaga kaming mga pinay.. hobby namin ang magpanty. Maliban na lang dun sa iba na hindi nagpapanty minsan kasi may hadhad sila.. see.. may excuse naman. Pero given the situation na wala silang hadhad.. I'n sure magpa panty ang mga yun.

Pero feeling ko ang dapat talaga naming sisihin eh yung mga celebrities na hindi nagpa panty. Nagsuot na nga ng sobrang ikli na mini skirt.. ampotah hindi pa nag-panty. Eh samantalang ako nung elementary ako palagi pa akong naka bloomer shorts sa loob ng palda ko. Eh kamusta naman kung halimbawang bigla kang datnan ng RED CHINA moments habang naglalakad ka at nagtatampisaw sa may fountain?? Mega tulo yun, girl.

Kamusta naman ang mga langgam, surot at isang pulutong ng mga gumagalang kulisap? Hindi na nila kailangang mag effort na umikot sa singit ng mga bilat na to dahil diretsong diretso silang makakapasok ng walang kahirap hirap sa lugar kung saan malapit ang bagsakan ng itlog.

Nagagalet ako at nambabastos..

Titigil na ko...

Just because...

I was not aware that people know about US. It didn't occur to me that there are numbers of people in the office that are interested about what happened. Did it come from you? Because to be perfectly honest.. I don't give a flying fuck. I was single. You were single yet confused. Indecisive.

Why they know that there was no closure between the two of us, I really don't know. I did not talk because it was something that I'm really not proud of.. walking away from US. And what we have is not their business. Its ours.

Once upon a time we were involved. It was a time when comfort meant a lot of things between you and me. I was alone and you were lonely. I made you laugh.. you made me cry. Because all the times that we've been together you were never sure of your feelings for me but I stayed anyways because even if its really heartbreaking.. I figured you are worth the try.

I waited.. for I don't know what.

All the times that we were together I say to myself.. "This is how love should feels..." because being with you felt like I was doing all the things that I have never done before yet I cannot find the perfect rationalization to justify why I'm still holding your hand amidst of all the chaos around us. Everytime, P. That is how I feel.. when we were still together.

Its a different story when you're not around tho. Every happy moments spent magnifies the pain of not being with you. I was surprised to discover the significant amount of pain that you can give me even when you are not around.
Can you still remember??

When I told you one night inside your car.. "That it doesn't matter if you love me or not because I'm not sure if I love you but I was willing to take the chance to make things work.. to have a part of taking care of you through the high and the low times.. I was willing to hold your hand until you let them go.." It was fucking corny but I gave it a shot anyway because thats what I really feel.

You said that you will always be there for me..

But when I asked you one day what I am to you..

You said..

"You made me realize that I love her..."

You know what they say about being alive? That you never know how it is to live until you die. And I did.. that night. I gathered all the strength inside me and I laughed out loud.. because even if I'm losing grip of myself I know that there was nothing to lose losing you. I never had you in the first place.. why feel pain now? Why cry now?? When all we ever had was chances.

And you said you want us to be friends.. but there are some things that we say to other people that we both know is just plain stupid. We both know its not going to work out. We can never be friends.. maybe.. but not at that moment. So I went away.. whats the fuckin point of staying?? You tell me.

And then..

After a year.. when everything is working fine with me.. when everything was far from pain and loneliness.. you came back.

Closure, you said.

I didn't go... I didn't move. I didn't care. Maybe you are in pain.. or maybe not.

"You made me realize that I love her..." it echoed in my head.

There's just so much pain then.. bitterness and insecurities. Eating me alive..

So what's your greatest realization now?

That she made you realize that you love me??

I was never that girl, P. Because all the time that she was on the pedestal..

I was the girl on the side.

The taglish angry post..

I was supposed to be blogging on how emotional things brought an intense atmosphere at work today. There was a massive lay-off of higher positions that the company claimed useless and expensive. At some point, the management is telling the truth.. I was sad because I had hear and see people exiting out of the building. Some of these people are my friends. But to tell you honestly, I really believe my boss when he said that we are not bankrupt. The company is making lots of money but not enough to meet the committed goal each year because of the positions that we don't really need. I'm telling you.. I was bouncing on and off the floor today. Yup, I'm still the OIC... and yup.. I'm still in charge of a hundred people plus 10 Team Leads. I know.. go figure.

Anyway.. the reason why this blog entry veered into another topic was because of the background music in my blog. My ultimate hearthrob crush said that this is HIS song to me.. pero teka lang.. hindi pa rin siya ang pag uusapan naten dito....

But the guy who almost beat me into submission of being the GIRL ON THE SIDE. I dated this guy last summer (this was when my relationship with A was in complete hiatus) and because a friend of mine was so hooked on Grey's Anatomy at that point of time.. we called this guy MCWAKEY. And because I'm a real son of a corny bitch, I told him that. (E will probably kill me if she learns this). But anyway, I had a crush on MW for the longest period of time but I was trying to dodge the subject because a friend of mine has a HUUUUUUUUUGE crush on him. He's suplado and the quiet type but to tell you honesty although he's such an indecisive son of a bitch, this guy is really nice plus the killer smile. So blah.. blah.. blah.. After maybe a year of having a crush on him, sa kung anong hiwaga meron ang lola mo.. he finally asked me out. Hindi naman to yung eksena sa pocketbooks na hindi nya alam na nabubuhay ako sa mundo..nag uusap naman kami ng HI at HELLO at Kamusta ka na? paminsan. And sometimes when I'm on a flirt mode, I usually shoot him an IM and he usually replies with a BABE.. pero sa totoo lang ako naman talaga yung unang nagpakana ng BABE na yan. Kadiri ako.. alam ko.

He has a gf then but he left the girl.. I was hoping that I'm not the reason because I know it will pull me down if he gets back with her. The time that we were dating, he was not with the GF anymore. I know. I just know...But he told me that if given the chance that they will talk upfront and the girl will start to cry.. he might just give in because according to him.. he's weak. (Weak daw ampotah... ang laki laki mo na mahina ka pa rin. Letse ka.) Hindi ko na sasabihin ang ending nito dahil kung matalino ka eh.. alam mo namang nagkabalikan sila. OO. kasi sympre ang buhay ay parang telenobela lang di ba? May magiging masaya, may uuwing luhaan at may naloloka at nagmumultong parang yung stepsister ni Barbara lang. Pero wala naman akong balak dalin ang poot na ito sa kabilang buhay.. ang points (plural) ko lang:

1. Baket kelangan madamay ako sa ka-dramahan ng buhay nya?
2. Baket naniwala ako na hindi siya masaya sa gf nya? Tanga ba ko? Isulat ang sagot sa isang buong kokongban paper.
3. Baket delayed reaction ako? Ang tagal nang nangyari neto ah.. pero ngayon lang ako nagagalet. Abnoy ba ko? Manuod ng I AM SAM at ihalintulad ang sarili kay SAM.
4. Baket ako naawa at naghintay ng mga 2 buwan at nagbaka sakaling magbabago ang isip nya at ako ang pipiliin bandang huli ? Gago ba ko?
5. Baket ako naniwala na hindi nya mahal ang gf nya sa kabila ng hindi nya pagpili sa ken? Timang ba ako?

Pero alam nyo ba ang mga gunggong na lalake na yan.. minsan pag napag tripan nilang mang-gago ng babae.. eh talagang HARDCORE silang mag drama. Eh potah.. muntik na akong maniwala dun eh. Habang binabasa ko ang chat log namen ay talaga namang gusto kong gilitan ng ulo ang sarili ko.. pero naisip ko masakit yun eh.Kaya next time na lang kapag may matalas na blade dito sa loob ng kwarto. Inamin ko naman sa kanya na talagang minahal ko sya.. pero sa totoo lang sinabi ko lang yun para ako ang piliin nya. Buti na lang nga hindi ako yung pinili nya kasi nung nakita ko sya ngayon.. parang naisip ko.. shet.. sa paanong paraan naman ako nabighani sa malaking polar bear na ito? Hindi ko alam kung yung paghihiwalay namen ay nagdulot ng depression kaya lumaki sya ng ganun.. o talagang masaya lang sya sa GF nya. Pero kung ano pa man yun.. sana ok sila.

Hindi naman ako galet sa kanya. Mas galet ako sa sarili ko. Sa kadahilanang hindi ko maipaliwanag. Baka nga kasi abnoy ako. Isang taon na tong nangyari pagkatapos ngayon ko lang naisip na..

POTASHET, parang ginawa nya akong tanga ah!

juicy gossips, smack talks and me being the Bitch Dragon.....

DISCLAIMER: I ain't gonna bogart all the juicy chismes. To be perfectly honest, I really dunno where to start. I know its kinda mean to even start this entry but hell I'm so friggin' stressed and bored. Wow.. I have no idea they can actually get to me when I'm alone. I think I'm really freaking out. So for those who never liked profanity, smack talks and the likes.. please don't read this blog entry. You've been warned. I might drop a name too...

Smack Talk 101: Ok, honestly you guys? I don't get you. C girl, how did you manage to pull it all off? You are living with your boyfriend..(you guys met in Friendster).. you have a kid back in the province.. You were like what? Got pregnant at the age of 13? And now you are openly dating in front of my eyes while still living under your boyfriend's roof. Ever heard of MORALE and GMRC? Do they teach that in the province? How do you do it? Lying in upfront with the person who has given you almost anything that you want? And being proud to be tagged as my Co TLs' girlfriend in the office while everyone knows that the guy is living with a GF with their one kid? And hell, he brought you along with his group of friends in Alabang, who are also my fellow co workers. You think he's really proud of you? Well, maybe.. but did it ever occur to you that maybe you have been TAGGED as the MOST QUIET HO in the office? Deadly but quiet. I admire your boldness of having my co worker drive you back and forth in your BF's place.. in front of HIS gate. Kiss him goodbye and all that jazz.

WHY I'M SO MAD: I don't give a flying fuck why you guys sleep around. I honestly don't care if you get knocked up in the process. But girl, show some respect. Don't go all the way down in front of my subordinates. He is my CO-TL for heaven's sake! And you are our subordinate. Be decent. Do it discreetly. At one point what you're doing is a major slap in my face because I'm a big fan of WORK ETCHICS. Ever heard of that? Google it. And don't ever think that we stopped talking about you guys.. the hell everyone is talking about you guys 12 hours a day. WE never stopped.. we just talk behind your back discreetly. Because honestly? Your tackiness is one hell of a stress reliever. Remember the time when my friends and I went out and you tagged along with my CO TL at one of my reps' house? When you were desperately asking to leave with my CO TL coz you guys need to be somewhere else? Are you just too excited that finally you were able to fish a guy who owns a CRV and you can't wait to sit in the passenger seat without even asking one of your bosses to maybe take the passenger seat because, I dunno, maybe it just looks polite and decent that you'll let HIM take the seat because he's your boss and he's the friend of the owner of the CRV in the first place? But no.. you let him take the back seat and you went all the way down in ARUBA holding my co-worker's hand as you whisper, I dunno.. maybe pulpy stuff in his ears? Bitch, I was just around the corner and I can freakin see you guys and you went french kissing at Decades when me and my guy went home. That was a total downhill of the so called WORK ETHICS. Thats the end of the respect that I tried so hard to build for the last 2 years of my life in Cubao.. so I guess from now on moving forward.. We TLs will be tagged as the supervisors who use powers to hook down a rep, huh? Thanks to you guys. You've done it perfectly well. And Kudos to you.. You made Britney Spears looked like a tame sedated monkey.

MY STAND: To my co-worker and friend, Dude.. I know where you're coming from when you said that you are struggling to be happy. But newsflash, this is your fault as much as HERS. I guess maturity is a long way for you huh? I'm not mad that you are sleeping around, thats your problem to face. I was mad because you were indiscreet like hell. If you want to take home a chick.. nobody wants to know that really. Take her home.. F*ck her like crazy but please spare us the details. I'm not saying that you are kiss and telling.. you never really in the first place but people can see, Dude. And they have wild imaginations even the dumbest rep in the office. So please, pull yourself together and clean up the mess.. because your crap makes me feel so dirty too. And everyone else's for the matter.
As for you Country Girl, you've been bold. I like that quality when used for the right reasons. But you need to sort your priorities.. Sleeping around or Excelling at work? And its a myth that City Girls are prostitutes, tell your folks that. Its the country girls who goes to the City that turn out to be hoes, well not all the time,of course there are exceptions, some of them work in a call center, I guess.

This is not my burden to bear. i just feel a big relief, I let it out in the open.

Sorry for being such a big BITCH DRAGON. Just being me.