Weird dreams.

I had the weirdest dream today. I dreamt of secretly dating a close friend of mine. We were doing this behind another friend who is seriously involved with this close friend or at least thats what I think. Although there was never a confirmation that these two friends are dating.. it doesn't really take a genius to figure it out. Its really weird how our subconcious can easily fuck up reality. I woke up and sent him a message and he replied asking if I'm ok. I just said I had a nightmare and easily dismissed the idea of pouring things out. I replied to tell him that I'm going back to sleep.

But I didn't...because I can't because after the dating scenario, I dreamt of my ex blogging about me and posting my ugliest pictures on the net. He was blogging about his deepest regrets of going out with me and I woke up again. Maybe this is the sole reason why I can't go back to sleep because one of my deepest fears was realized..tho it was only a dream, it feels so real I found myself completely distraught when I woke up. I still dread talking to this ex after I act up sending him sarcastic messages on YM. Tho, I already sent him another message apologizing for my attitude, he ignored me and went offline the instance that I sent him the message. I still see him once in a while online but I never bother to talk to him ever again. I was scared that he'll say something like I'm the biggest regret of his life and he's ashamed of telling everyone that we went out for quite some time.

Anyway, I guess things like this happens. And sometimes you just really need to snap out of it.

THIS WAS A LOT HELL MORE FUN.

THIS WAS FUN!!

Dear Mr. BIG

K: When are you coming over for your training?
Mr. Big: They re-scheduled it some time next week. I think you were on leave the last time I went there.

And here I go again.. this left me wondering half of my day if you came looking for me the last time you went here. I'd like to think that you're just being observant not seeing me popping out in places. But there was that effort.

Sometimes, I feel like my brain is going to burst out of my head as I try to find the answers if I'm really over you.

The last time I saw you just weeks ago, I knew it was there. It was just a hunch but right at that very moment when I look back at it.. I know it was there. It was very quick but I saw it and for some weird reason, there was that distinctive feeling like it was the first time.

It happened almost two years ago but still your presence throws me off balance every fucken' time. And that's something that I can't understand. So unfamiliar.. so unlikely of me. No matter how hard I try, I always feel like something unexplainable pulls me back to you and I don't like that feeling. I don't like it at all.

I know you're happy, that's what the pictures are saying. But then I don't know why I find it so hard to believe. At the back of my head, there's always that notion that everything you have now is just a make believe, some wall that you built all around you to fence you out of your comfort zone. Or maybe, we are just both in the same situation... maybe that's the reason why I'm not hurt because I understand what it feels like being you... because amidst of all these twisted scenarios, I am what you are.

I'd like to believe that I've moved on. That way, its easier. For both of us. I hope that I never go down that road again because it really feels suicidal. I did lose you once, I don't think I can go with the second take. I never believed in second chances but as human, I'm bound to change the things that I once believed in. I love to be with you, to feel the same things that I have felt the first time but something between us felt so wrong the last time, it was very real and it was very devastating. Its inevitable I guess.. to do the right things sometimes and not to get hurt.

So then, I guess its true.. that there will always be that someone who's bound to break your standards, who will break your heart no matter how hard you shield it from unwanted emotions. This is expected I guess.. from someone who got away.

I was distraught when you left me for her. It took me half a year to ease the pain.. this is very emo I know.. but I can't find any means of disposing these emotions. You pierced something so deep in my heart and I realized that it was there all along and that's something that kept me alive the whole time, if I pull it out, I'll die.

I hope that the time will come for me to finally look you straight in the eyes and know for sure that there's nothing there anymore. I hope that there will come a time when I can finally ask the how are you question without the urge of asking you again if you have been thinking of me the whole time that we were apart.

You were never my type. I never like you in the first place... I hate talking to you but there are just things that defies logic when two souls understand each other even if our hearts can't.

I wish that this is the last time that I'll blog about you. I hope this is the last time that I'll feel this way.

And yes, I have moved on... because that's the only decent thing that I can say.

Of Gossip Girl and Cold Holiday Seasons..

I just finished watching the last episode of Gossip Girl.I'm not much of a fan but the reason why I like the show is simply because of one of its character..Nate. No, I don't like him that much the way I fancy Josh Hartnett or Leonardo Di Caprio.. they're all different stories. I'll blog about it some other time.

See, the reason why I'm so drawn with this character is because I am so much like him. I know, I know I should have seen myself to at least one of the show's hot girls.. but thats just the way things are I guess. Ganun talaga. I just simply thinks that the closest character to me is Nate. I just realized it when I decided to view an ex's blog that I have found in the net ages ago and have kept it a secret from him. Anyways, we don't talk anymore so I guess I'm off the hook for real. Recently, I found out that he's hanging out with some great girl and for some weird reason, I felt really happy for someone for the first time in a long time. This guy has always been great to me and its about time that he finds someone he deserves. I guess thats one common ground that the character and I share. We like too many people. We act on our feelings with so much intense and passion but we are always ready to let go of them when they ask us to. Without a fight. And then just like waking up in the morning.. we move on automatically like clockwork. We tend to always weigh things and rationalize and we always end up doing the right things, no matter how much pain it can cause. We believe that its pain never really goes away.. it just gets easier as time flies. We live. We laugh. We love. We cry and do the same thing over and over again. We go on with the different phases in our lives without a care in the world but always ready to face the unfamiliar.. yeah that's Nate.. and that's me.

I have been feeling a little weird lately.. maybe because of the weather. See, the closest thing that we can get to experience winter season is the usual chilly december nights.. its so freaking cold. Why does it have to be really cold during holiday seasons? Maybe, God or some higher being wants us to realize that its time to share our warmth with the people that we love. People that are important.. people thats always been there.

I have been feeling a little nostalgic these past days, I must admit but that it didn't help me to realize that I'm still living in the reality. Maybe feeling a little mushy is just a phase..especially during holidays.

I am in good terms with Paolo now. The ex that has been a burden for the last 2 years of my life. We are talking now.. my theory is that I am sure that we are both over with each other and that friendship comes naturally I guess. All the dramas subsided and we got nothing left to share but to appreciate how great we are as friends. I have realized that I am finally ready to start a friendship without weird expectations and that nothing can ever hurt me again while I share this with Paolo. There's a mutual sign that says he feels the same way.. and thats a great thing. I am happy to reach this state and I am happier that I'm with someone really great as Alex.

What great realizations as the year ends... I look forward on living my life better for 2009. This year is ending and it will never come back again.. I am grateful for all the experiences and lessons gained.

Thank you, 2008. You will be missed.

Nagbabalik... DRAMA QUEEN.

Ang tagal kong nawala.. pero wala pa rin nagbabago.

Ako ay BUSY. OO, busy. Walang internet sa kabilang buhay.. kaya hindi nakapag blog ng matagal.

Pero eto na ko ngayon..

Naniniwala na ako sa mga bagay na akala ko ay walang kwenta dati.. katulad ng prediction ni Nostradamus na magkakaroon ng isang black president ang US..

2. Magmumukha kang ULINGLING kapag nagsuot ka ng neon pink, shocking orange at neon green na kulay kapag balat muro-ami ka.

3. Naniniwala akong romantiko pala ang mga intsik matapos akong makapanood ng mga taiwanese dramas gaya ng WHY WHY LOVE, DEVIL BESIDE YOU, HANA KIMI at kung ano ano pang chinovela na ipinalalabas nila sa Channel 2 at 7. Akala ko ay talagang business minded lang sila. Magba blog ako tungkol dito pero etong piece muna na to ang aasikasuhin ko.

4. Naniniwala din akong mas malakas ang appeal ng isang tao kung ang mukha nya ay kasing puti ng mukha ni POWDER. (Ex. Edward Cullen ng Twilight Saga, hit na hit ang promotion ng pelikula kahit na mababaw ang istorya at walang substance.. at mukhang nakipagdigma sa GIANT arina ang mga bida)

5. May mga multong made in Japan kagaya ng bayolenteng multo sa 2nd floor washroom ng office ko na pinangalanan naming ATSI. Akala ko kasi dati mahilig lang silang magparamdam.

6. Ang halloween party ay madalas sinasamantala ng mga bading na matagal ng nagpupuyos ang damdamin na gumet-up ala PARIS HILTON, BEYONCE KNOWLES, centaur, DYOSA, EFFIE WHITE ng Dreamgirls at kung sino sino pang celebrity na kapag ginaya mong magdamit sa regular na araw ay kukuyugin ka ng mga holdaper, exhibitionists at mga pulis.

7. Na walang nagagawa ang friendster, tagged, my space, facebook at kung ano pang mga anik anik, kundi ang pasamain ang loob mo sa tuwing makikita mong mas successful ang buhay ng uhugin mong classmates kesa sa yo.. at mayaman na ang pinakatanga mong kamag aral dahil nakapag asawa ng amerikanong kasing laki ni Triple H.

8. Na may mga taong kakausapin at makikipag kwentuhan sa 'yo para makalibre ng yosi, lighter, kape at candy.

9. Na kahit ilang 4-G, Myra-E, Extraderm, Belo products, Fit and Right,at malunggay capsules ang laklakin ng isang babae ay hinding hindi sila magiging kamukha ni Bea Alonso,Eula Valdez, Kristine Hermosa, Mariel at kung sino sino pang mga endorsers. Nag try yung isang friend ko na mag take ng 4-G capsules ng 3 buwan at ang resulta ay naging kamukha nya si Malou De Guzman aka "Dugong" ng teleseryeng Marina.

10. Na talagang hugis polar bear yung dati kong dine date. Ayaw ko pang maniwala dati pero nung nakita ko sya ulet.. napa atras ako at muntik malulon ang sigarilyong niyoyosi dahil totoo ngang.. isa syang MAAAAAANSTERRRRRRRRRRR size. Pero naisip ko baka naman talagang chubby lang sya dati...sabi ko naman sa inyo, mahilig talaga ako sa matatalino. Mabigat din ang utak nun..pero hindi nya ko pinansin at hindi ako nagtangkang lumapit dahil baka bigla nya akong dambahin at lulunin ng buong buo.. mukha syang kumakain ng mga bata..hindi sanggol kundi mga grade 4 students.

Ayan.. nagbalik na ko... handami ko pa lang na realize nung mga sandaling nagbabakasyon ako sa kabilang buhay.

Happy Day, people!! :)

The irony of E61

I received a couple of text messages Saturday night. Messages from friends who were all having a good time while I'm stuck attending some family reunion that happens almost every month.

I can't remember the time. What's been running at the back of my head is the desperate feeling of retiring to bed. I really want to go home. But then again, its this simple obligation and commitment that makes everything worth your while.. so they say.. blah blah.. blah.Whatever that means.

I dragged my lazy butt to the girl's washroom while everyone is waiting for me outside the hotel. Best moment of my life. I sighed and whispered to myself.

I was slowly taking my time walking in the hallway. And then I saw him. He was wearing a dark blue shirt and faded denim. I stopped for a while to look at him and he smiled.

From that moment, I felt that the world stopped. He said HI. I didn''t move. Dumbstruck. Disoriented. And I really wished that I look really good in that black dress.

"Hi," I said and smiled back. And for some weird reason as if I was possessed by some idiopathic entity, I muttered in a barely audible voice, "Hi, Piolo. I love you."

He chuckled as if its a normal thing to hear. I froze. And a bunch of screaming staff enveloped him.

I stood there while they take pictures of him.

Until finally, the soft spoken gentle mannered PA asked me.. "Miss, magpapa picture ka rin?"

I looked at my cellphone and I felt that the wrold starts revolving crazily around me. How in Julie Andrew's name did I buy a phone with no camera?????? What was I thinking??

I looked at his kind face and smiled. "No. My phone picture resistant." I felt like crying.

And then after the pictorial.. he walked at our side and asked. "What's wrong?"

"Poor girl, her phone doesn't have camera.."

GOD. KILL ME NOW...

He looked at me again and smiled. And it all happened in a span of a moment... his cheeks touching mine.

"Nice dress," he whispered, "you take care.'

And they both walked away... leaving me in between ecstasy and madness.

GOD. I CAN DIE NOW.....