I had the weirdest dream today. I dreamt of secretly dating a close friend of mine. We were doing this behind another friend who is seriously involved with this close friend or at least thats what I think. Although there was never a confirmation that these two friends are dating.. it doesn't really take a genius to figure it out. Its really weird how our subconcious can easily fuck up reality. I woke up and sent him a message and he replied asking if I'm ok. I just said I had a nightmare and easily dismissed the idea of pouring things out. I replied to tell him that I'm going back to sleep.
But I didn't...because I can't because after the dating scenario, I dreamt of my ex blogging about me and posting my ugliest pictures on the net. He was blogging about his deepest regrets of going out with me and I woke up again. Maybe this is the sole reason why I can't go back to sleep because one of my deepest fears was realized..tho it was only a dream, it feels so real I found myself completely distraught when I woke up. I still dread talking to this ex after I act up sending him sarcastic messages on YM. Tho, I already sent him another message apologizing for my attitude, he ignored me and went offline the instance that I sent him the message. I still see him once in a while online but I never bother to talk to him ever again. I was scared that he'll say something like I'm the biggest regret of his life and he's ashamed of telling everyone that we went out for quite some time.
Anyway, I guess things like this happens. And sometimes you just really need to snap out of it.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
Dear Mr. BIG
K: When are you coming over for your training?
Mr. Big: They re-scheduled it some time next week. I think you were on leave the last time I went there.
And here I go again.. this left me wondering half of my day if you came looking for me the last time you went here. I'd like to think that you're just being observant not seeing me popping out in places. But there was that effort.
Sometimes, I feel like my brain is going to burst out of my head as I try to find the answers if I'm really over you.
The last time I saw you just weeks ago, I knew it was there. It was just a hunch but right at that very moment when I look back at it.. I know it was there. It was very quick but I saw it and for some weird reason, there was that distinctive feeling like it was the first time.
It happened almost two years ago but still your presence throws me off balance every fucken' time. And that's something that I can't understand. So unfamiliar.. so unlikely of me. No matter how hard I try, I always feel like something unexplainable pulls me back to you and I don't like that feeling. I don't like it at all.
I know you're happy, that's what the pictures are saying. But then I don't know why I find it so hard to believe. At the back of my head, there's always that notion that everything you have now is just a make believe, some wall that you built all around you to fence you out of your comfort zone. Or maybe, we are just both in the same situation... maybe that's the reason why I'm not hurt because I understand what it feels like being you... because amidst of all these twisted scenarios, I am what you are.
I'd like to believe that I've moved on. That way, its easier. For both of us. I hope that I never go down that road again because it really feels suicidal. I did lose you once, I don't think I can go with the second take. I never believed in second chances but as human, I'm bound to change the things that I once believed in. I love to be with you, to feel the same things that I have felt the first time but something between us felt so wrong the last time, it was very real and it was very devastating. Its inevitable I guess.. to do the right things sometimes and not to get hurt.
So then, I guess its true.. that there will always be that someone who's bound to break your standards, who will break your heart no matter how hard you shield it from unwanted emotions. This is expected I guess.. from someone who got away.
I was distraught when you left me for her. It took me half a year to ease the pain.. this is very emo I know.. but I can't find any means of disposing these emotions. You pierced something so deep in my heart and I realized that it was there all along and that's something that kept me alive the whole time, if I pull it out, I'll die.
I hope that the time will come for me to finally look you straight in the eyes and know for sure that there's nothing there anymore. I hope that there will come a time when I can finally ask the how are you question without the urge of asking you again if you have been thinking of me the whole time that we were apart.
You were never my type. I never like you in the first place... I hate talking to you but there are just things that defies logic when two souls understand each other even if our hearts can't.
I wish that this is the last time that I'll blog about you. I hope this is the last time that I'll feel this way.
And yes, I have moved on... because that's the only decent thing that I can say.
Mr. Big: They re-scheduled it some time next week. I think you were on leave the last time I went there.
And here I go again.. this left me wondering half of my day if you came looking for me the last time you went here. I'd like to think that you're just being observant not seeing me popping out in places. But there was that effort.
Sometimes, I feel like my brain is going to burst out of my head as I try to find the answers if I'm really over you.
The last time I saw you just weeks ago, I knew it was there. It was just a hunch but right at that very moment when I look back at it.. I know it was there. It was very quick but I saw it and for some weird reason, there was that distinctive feeling like it was the first time.
It happened almost two years ago but still your presence throws me off balance every fucken' time. And that's something that I can't understand. So unfamiliar.. so unlikely of me. No matter how hard I try, I always feel like something unexplainable pulls me back to you and I don't like that feeling. I don't like it at all.
I know you're happy, that's what the pictures are saying. But then I don't know why I find it so hard to believe. At the back of my head, there's always that notion that everything you have now is just a make believe, some wall that you built all around you to fence you out of your comfort zone. Or maybe, we are just both in the same situation... maybe that's the reason why I'm not hurt because I understand what it feels like being you... because amidst of all these twisted scenarios, I am what you are.
I'd like to believe that I've moved on. That way, its easier. For both of us. I hope that I never go down that road again because it really feels suicidal. I did lose you once, I don't think I can go with the second take. I never believed in second chances but as human, I'm bound to change the things that I once believed in. I love to be with you, to feel the same things that I have felt the first time but something between us felt so wrong the last time, it was very real and it was very devastating. Its inevitable I guess.. to do the right things sometimes and not to get hurt.
So then, I guess its true.. that there will always be that someone who's bound to break your standards, who will break your heart no matter how hard you shield it from unwanted emotions. This is expected I guess.. from someone who got away.
I was distraught when you left me for her. It took me half a year to ease the pain.. this is very emo I know.. but I can't find any means of disposing these emotions. You pierced something so deep in my heart and I realized that it was there all along and that's something that kept me alive the whole time, if I pull it out, I'll die.
I hope that the time will come for me to finally look you straight in the eyes and know for sure that there's nothing there anymore. I hope that there will come a time when I can finally ask the how are you question without the urge of asking you again if you have been thinking of me the whole time that we were apart.
You were never my type. I never like you in the first place... I hate talking to you but there are just things that defies logic when two souls understand each other even if our hearts can't.
I wish that this is the last time that I'll blog about you. I hope this is the last time that I'll feel this way.
And yes, I have moved on... because that's the only decent thing that I can say.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
