Just because...

I was not aware that people know about US. It didn't occur to me that there are numbers of people in the office that are interested about what happened. Did it come from you? Because to be perfectly honest.. I don't give a flying fuck. I was single. You were single yet confused. Indecisive.

Why they know that there was no closure between the two of us, I really don't know. I did not talk because it was something that I'm really not proud of.. walking away from US. And what we have is not their business. Its ours.

Once upon a time we were involved. It was a time when comfort meant a lot of things between you and me. I was alone and you were lonely. I made you laugh.. you made me cry. Because all the times that we've been together you were never sure of your feelings for me but I stayed anyways because even if its really heartbreaking.. I figured you are worth the try.

I waited.. for I don't know what.

All the times that we were together I say to myself.. "This is how love should feels..." because being with you felt like I was doing all the things that I have never done before yet I cannot find the perfect rationalization to justify why I'm still holding your hand amidst of all the chaos around us. Everytime, P. That is how I feel.. when we were still together.

Its a different story when you're not around tho. Every happy moments spent magnifies the pain of not being with you. I was surprised to discover the significant amount of pain that you can give me even when you are not around.
Can you still remember??

When I told you one night inside your car.. "That it doesn't matter if you love me or not because I'm not sure if I love you but I was willing to take the chance to make things work.. to have a part of taking care of you through the high and the low times.. I was willing to hold your hand until you let them go.." It was fucking corny but I gave it a shot anyway because thats what I really feel.

You said that you will always be there for me..

But when I asked you one day what I am to you..

You said..

"You made me realize that I love her..."

You know what they say about being alive? That you never know how it is to live until you die. And I did.. that night. I gathered all the strength inside me and I laughed out loud.. because even if I'm losing grip of myself I know that there was nothing to lose losing you. I never had you in the first place.. why feel pain now? Why cry now?? When all we ever had was chances.

And you said you want us to be friends.. but there are some things that we say to other people that we both know is just plain stupid. We both know its not going to work out. We can never be friends.. maybe.. but not at that moment. So I went away.. whats the fuckin point of staying?? You tell me.

And then..

After a year.. when everything is working fine with me.. when everything was far from pain and loneliness.. you came back.

Closure, you said.

I didn't go... I didn't move. I didn't care. Maybe you are in pain.. or maybe not.

"You made me realize that I love her..." it echoed in my head.

There's just so much pain then.. bitterness and insecurities. Eating me alive..

So what's your greatest realization now?

That she made you realize that you love me??

I was never that girl, P. Because all the time that she was on the pedestal..

I was the girl on the side.