absorbing all the drama.

I was watching WILD THINGS last Sunday night. Yep, the Denise Richard - Neve Campbell - Matt Dillon thing. I was staring at the screen for the longest period of time and I bet my mum's ass, you'll laugh out loud and prolly tease me with.. "Huuuuuuuy.. ang manyak mo naman! Titig na titig ka ah!" But in the middle of the dirty steamy hot scene, I felt a lump in my throat and started crying. No reason. I just cried. I realized I was staring at the monitor for the longest time but my mind is really somewhere else.

I'm sure.. at any given time.. I was not the only one feeling that way. I don't know.. Nostalgic, maybe?

Here's the thing with me I remember every happy moments in my life vividly. With someone. With some friends in the past and then I'll start feeling sad. Yeah, you can call that nostalgia. But don't make me wrong, I'm not hung up with these memories or with the someone else's.. because looking back, I can never really trade my place in my life right now. But there are times when you just want to go back there and stay in the moment for a while. I hope I'm not being weird.. but that's just me.

It was a particular moment in my life that flooded me last Sunday night. I was young, carefree and streaming with great dreams. Its the time of someone's life where you feel that you can be who you want to be. A rockstar. A model. A flight attendant. A photographer. A broadway actress. A famous writer. Its the time of someone's life where you feel that the world is yours for the taking and that everything is easy and simple. You are young. You hear that all the time. You have so many things ahead of you...

I was in love. He asked me to get married and live somewhere out of reach. I was 22 years old. He was 27. He gave me a choice.. and very little time. I was kissing him in the rain and people were all around us.. that night but I never really cared. It was drizzling.. my world stopped.

I said NO that night. Because its unfair for everyone involved. Most of all, its unfair for me. I am just starting to see the world, he had seen almost everything. I need a chance to grow up emotionally.. alone. As much as I want to say YES because I can't really imagine myself letting him go.. I stayed for the rightest reasons. Its not worth taking that shot because I know that If I did, I will end up losing every person who loves me yet I get to keep him.

You get to keep the person you love but lose all the others who love you and see you differently. Thats just not a way to love.. or to live. Thats not love.. Its something else.

He got married after a year. I was broken hearted. Just broken hearted. Not shattered. Because sometimes you need to sacrifice your heart in order to understand life's reasons. You have to let go to know the importance of healing. You need to let down your guard to understand self worth. Sometimes.. you have to do it.

I remembered that and I cried. Because I remembered at that very moment before I entered the door.. I said goodbye and I love you..

And I have never felt so alive in my life...

because right at that very moment.. I was in two places at once.

Leaving and loving him.. all at the same time.